While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'
Great and SPECIAL Creative Food Sculptures.
THIS is really fascinating - It's rather dazzling to see it presented this way.
Making a Baby.
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.The Smiths were an Irish couple unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!
This Is Just the Coolest!
Maxine, Working at Wal-Mart.
My 1 day employment.
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
The Coolest Cat!
click here to view a video of this piano player/tuner.
Finally We Know What Joe Cocker sang at Woodstock!
click here to be informed.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
A Simple Solution.
I'm pretty sure this is how you get swine flu:
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
How to tell if you're a Masshole.
No Sex since 1959!
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a Conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
(Don't ya love military time?!)
The Secret to Long Life.
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Every evening, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
As a bagpiper I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area I became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere insight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already i n place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat I overheard one of the workers saying to another Sweet Jeezuz Mary'n Joseph I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
A Timeless Lesson.
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers , you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, ' Miss Jones , I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie , who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie ,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael !' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another... After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
The Rooster Is Missing.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Terry Fator - 2008 MDA Telethon
The Smart Car.
What we will be driving quite soon.
There, I fixed it! (updated 9/10)
How to save a buck . . .
All the scenes have been created entirely with food!
And mother said don't play with your food. . .
Click here to view some of the most amazing photos you've ever seen. You will need Powerpoint to view it, though.
The Dalai Lama and Karma.
Click here for this beautiful presentation. You will need Powerpoint to view.
ART BY JIM WARREN.
You are about to experience a most unusual artist. A self-taught Painter, Jim Warren defies artistic category. A Los Angeles Newspaper described him as 'somewhere between Dali and Rockwell'.
The Greatest Telemarketer Call, Ever!
You have to check this out! click here
This will make ANYONE feel good.
click here. you will need powerpoint to experience this.
Subject: A SENIOR'S LETTER TO THE BANK.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
Subject: Car A/C (Air Conditioning) MUST READ!
Please do not turn on A/C as soo n as you enter the car. Open the windows after you enter your car and turn ON the air-conditioningaftera couple of minutes. Here's why:
According to a research, the car dashboard, sofa, air freshener emit Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen - take time to observe the smell of heated plastic in your car). In addition to causing cancer, Benzene poisons your bones, causesanemiaand reduces white blood cells. Prolonged exposure will cause Leukemia, increasing the risk of cancer. May also cause miscarriage. Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft.. A car parked indoors (garage) with windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene. If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level... People who get into the car, keeping windows closed will inevitably inhale, in quick succession excessive amounts of the toxin. Benzene isatoxin that affects your kidney and liver. What's worse, it is extremely difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.
So friends, please open the windows and door of your car - give time for interior to air out -dispel the deadly stuff - before you enter. Thought: 'When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.'
Gymnasts In Poland.
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green
peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between
Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho " With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'
The 25 Golden Rules of E-Mail.
New users of all ages and experience levels hit the Net every day. They're so new that even the most well-established netiquette can seem arcane and nonsensical to them. Especially when it comes to the killer app of all time: e-mail. We've put together this list of advice and tips that you can send to your favorite relative, your verbose coworker, and that former frat brother who's found you on Facebook. It will teach them how best to get their missives to you in a way that won't annoy you, won't break the Internet, yet will get a timely, satisfactory response. click here for the PDF file.
Lovely to read.
A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked upasilk paper wrapped package I love what it says...you do not have to send it back to me or anyne else. There are some strong statements that I may actually incorporate into my life......
'This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package.' He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box. 'She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago.Shehas never put it on , was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it.
He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothinghewas taking to the funeral house, his wife had just died. He turned to me and said 'Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion'.
I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived upto,not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it wheneverIwant to.
The words 'Someday...' and ' One Day...' are fading away frommydictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do itnow.
I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knewshewouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food.
It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew mytimehad come. Each day, each hour, each minute, is special. Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.
God enjoys a good laugh.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
It makes you think...doesn't it?
Think about this:
COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ..... why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this ... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
A man to be admired.
Whole world Needs A Leader Like This!
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks..
Cancel your credit card before you die.
Now some people are really stupid! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
I WONDER IF THIS CLOWN GOT ONE OF THE BONUSES?
Asbestos was used in a number of automobile parts, particularly in brakes. Auto mechanics and car enthusiasts who may have worked on asbestos-containing automobile parts may have been exposed and face an increased risk of developing mesothelioma cancer.
Best Comeback of the Year!
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
Teen cigarette smoking is linked to brain damage, alcohol and illegal drug use as well as mental illness. It's the nicotine. It poses a significant danger of structural and chemical changes in developing brains that can make teens more vulnerable.
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse says that compared to 12- to 17-year olds who do NOT smoke, those who do:
1. five times more likely to drink
Those who start smoking before 12 -
5. More than three times likelier to binge drink;
Solution - Put out the cigarette. Mom, dad....put out the cigarette.