is very cool:
normally don't pass on any porn, which I accidentally received...however,
I felt that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it doesn't move and should, ; use the WD-40. if it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING .
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
thiS! Doesn 't it seem more and more that physicians are running
their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's
aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles,"
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history
and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later
a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."
So the nurtse gave Bubba a Mood test, a blood pressure test,
an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Buhba sitting patiently
in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,'Shingles.'
The doctor asked,"Where?" Bubba said. "Outside
on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
The next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might
want to consider this:
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired
to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at
a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out
four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the
man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool
and a hu ge conference center that were available for the husband
and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man
complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one
of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
from New York , Hollywood and LasVegas perform here," the
Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains
the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the
Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions,
the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager
is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he
says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's
correct," says the man. "I charged you $ 300 for sleeping
with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well,
too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could
p.s. Your girlfriend called.
FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
Yup! That about sums it up.
NUNS IN TOWN
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary
Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral
in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making
them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's
Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which
were the talk of the fashionable astside neighborhood. All 5
Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor
Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost
fainted at what they saw.
if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require
a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 4 weeks to see a specialist then gets
an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally
has his surgery scheduled for a month from then Why the different
treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!!!
for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to
When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature
of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under
the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere. We asked, "How are you
taking it?" Her reply: "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"
Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They
Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone
has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking
lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...
Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called Therapy!
for Handling Telemarketers: Three Little Words That Work !
(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead
of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call
so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind
to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which
has efficiently completed its task. These three little words
will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on
the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone
at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there
is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button
on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses
the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out
of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in
their system any longer!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility
bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the
sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail
for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most
of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs
them more than the regular 41 cents postage "IF" and
when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw
them away! The postage was 39 cents before the last increase
and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get
rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool
little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else
that day, then
just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't
on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just
to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot
of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM
them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk
mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying
that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's
why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
An Article by Jay Leno
I hope you will all read to the end. Jay Leno puts it
into perspective and makes us think about the pathetic negativity.
Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came
across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It
must be true given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are
unh appy with the direction the country is headed and 69
percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of
the president. In essence, 2/3s of the citizenry just
ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What
we are so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result
of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the
winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy
folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into
a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments
than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to
the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification
papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the
hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the
way that ca n provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands
of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world
is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we
wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services
to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own
a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate
case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear
in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the
flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen
TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with
a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and
your family against attack or loss. This all in the
backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping
and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent
of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms
we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe
that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled
brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world
loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens.
They see us for what we are. The most blessed people
in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't
have, and what we hate about the country instead
of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the president who took us
into war and has no plan to get us out? The president
who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this
the same president who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an
economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who
has been called every name in the book for succeeding in
keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist
The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out
there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the
President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect
you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look
around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it......are you upset at the President
because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because
the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your
sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan
have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died
for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this
country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general''
discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst
case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days
in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69
percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame
it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize
in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with
blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade
at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets
are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and
when criticized, try to defend
their actions by "justifying" them in one way or
another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like
O.J Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his
wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media.
Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times
for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being
grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially
more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should
thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird
flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good
time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Carlin's Views on Aging. (Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY
IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING
AND SEND IT ON.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like
to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years
old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How
old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're
never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going
on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they
can't hold you back You jump to the next number, or even
a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna
be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong?
What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING
40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before
you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!!
You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME
21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60 . You've
built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's
and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN
4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the
90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92" Then
a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become
a little kid again "I'm 100 and a half!" May you
all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight
and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is
why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning -Learn more about the computer, crafts,
music, art, stock, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain
idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And
the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be
ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home
is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it
is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve,
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even
to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where
the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity. And always remember.....Life is not measured
by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need to live life
to its fullest each day!