tackChocolate Sings!!!!

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them --- All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."  

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. " Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.  But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.  I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.  The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting  all  that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before." "So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I  want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.   I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,  Because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.  I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired." With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!" 

Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks, Chocolate Sings !!!


tackWOWZERS!!!

    Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a Well-known UFO incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the Following people were born:

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William Jefferson Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

    See what happens when space aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of the things you've been wondering about. LOL!


tackTHE DOLLAR BILL

tackTwo Trees

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Twotalltrees, a birch and a beech,aregrowingin the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and thebeechsays to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son ofabirch?'   Thebirch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a treeexpert. Can youtellif that isa son of a beech or a son of a birch?'   The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.   He replies,'It isneithera son of a beechnora son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.


tackTalk about dense!
Customer:     "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
                      through; can you help?"
Operator:     "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer:     "It's on the door of your business."
Operator:     "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
                      I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket   
                     and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me
                     the number for Jack?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am 
                     traveling in Australia ?"
Operator:     "Does the product name give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller:      "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is
                 correct?"
Caller:      "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
booth told a worried operator:  "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer:             "OK."
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No."
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
                             this point?"
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:         "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                                you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is  a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
                          went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
                         type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
                          Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:              "I don't know."
Operator:         "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
                         the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
                          plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that 
                         there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
                         just one??"
Caller:              "No."
Operator:         "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
                         find the other cable."
Caller:              "Okay, here it is."
Operator:         "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
                         the back of your computer."
Caller:              "I can't reach."
Operator:         "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:              "No."
Operator:         "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
                         way over??"
Caller:               "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
                         because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
                          coming in from the window."
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
                          licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
                          packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:          "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
                          it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
                          to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:           "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

tackAngel

In case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is, this really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Click here for an excellent powerpoint presentation
(must have Powerpoint installed)

soldier statue

Statue Of Soldier

This statue currently stands outside the Iraqi palace, now home to the 4th Infantry division. It will eventually be shipped home and put in the memorial museum in Fort Hood , TX

The statue was created by an Iraqi artist named Kalat, who for years was forced by Saddam Hussein to make the many hundreds of bronze busts of Saddam that dotted Baghdad .

Kalat was so grateful for the Americans liberation of his country; he melted 3 of the heads of the fallen Saddam and made the statue as a memorial to the American soldiers and their fallen warriors Kalat worked on this memorial night and day for several months.

To the left of the kneeling soldier is a small Iraqi girl giving the soldier comfort as he mourns the loss of his comrade in arms.

Do you know why we don't hear about this in the news? Because it is heart warming and praise worthy. The media avoids it because it does not have the shock effect.

But we can do something about it.

We can pass this along to as many people as we can in honor of all our brave military who are making a difference.


tackAndy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

Andy Rooney I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only thi ngs I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
 
 Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
 
 I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
 
 I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
 
 I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
 
 Whe n 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.
 
 I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
 
 My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
 
 I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
 
 I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
 
 We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
 
 I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.
 
 I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
 
 I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
 
 It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
 
 I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
 
 I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe . I am p r oud to be from America and nowhere else
 
 And if you don't like my point of view, tough...


tackCan't Blame White People

           by Bill Cosby

Bill CosbyThey're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain't, Where you is, What he drive, Where he stay, Where he work, Who you be...And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk.Everybody knows it's important to speak English... except these knuckleheads.Mushmouth is what they speak!

You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads throwing that all away. The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids: $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18? And, how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father? People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something? They're walking around with their nasty underwear showing, and holding onto their pants to keep them from falling to the ground!



Press 1Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up to her panty line, and got all types of needle piercings going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail. Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem. We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids saying... you are hurting us. We have to start holding each other to a higher standard. We cannot blame the white people any longer.

It is not for media or anyone of this time anymore to say whether I'm right or wrong. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, to look at the numbers. Fifty percent of our children are dropping out of high school. Sixty percent of the incarcerated males happen to be illiterate. There's a correlation.

Tell the media to stop asking me what I think about people who don't believe what I'm saying or feel that I'm too harsh or feel that I'm just running my mouth because I'm old. Seventy percent of the teenagers pregnant happen to be African American girls. Don't ask me to soften my message.
           - Bill Cosby
tackGreat Card Trick!

David Copperfield
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